Insults, Butterbeer, and Love
by TheJesusFreak777
Summary: If Oliver Wood knew as much about love as he did Quidditch, maybe he would have better luck in finding the girl of his dreams.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is going to be a one-shot, I'm kind of on a roll today with fanfics. It's kind of stupid, I just had a weird idea. Please read and review! Constructive criticism is welcome!**

The Gryffindor common room was crowded with students celebrating New Year's. More had stayed behind this year than ever. Students were partying, drinking butterbeer and firewhiskey snuck from Hogsmeade.

A girl with long, dark hair stalked inside the common room as the Fat Lady's portrait opened to admit her. She paced furiously up the stairs, stomping so loud several people stopped to watch. Within seconds a boy, a year or so older, entered the common room. He caught sight of the girl on the staircase. "Hey, Katie!"

She whirled around, a look of anger on her face. "What do you want, Wood?" she growled.

"An apology," he called back, a faint smile on his face.

Katie laughed mirthlessly. "_Me? _Apologize to _you?" _Many people in the common room were now watching, falling silent.

Wood grinned. "Yeah, something like that."

Katie's face flushed with anger. "You," she spat, "are an arrogant, slimy toerag who thinks_ I_ should apologize because _you _spilt butterbeer all over me."

"Are we telling the truth to eachother?" Oliver asked eagerly, his smile growing wider. "If so, you come across as a bitch sometimes, no offense."

A lot of the people watching began to laugh. Katie's face was now a dark tomato color.

"You're an asshole, you know it?" she sneered.

Everyone in the common room was now watching. A boy with bright red hair called, "Hey Wood, that's a dis!"

"Shut up, Fred," snapped Wood.

"Well, I think he was right to point it out," Katie says breezily, "considering you wouldn't have figured that much out yourself, getting only what, four O.W.L.s?"

Everyone's eyes were glued to Oliver Wood as he replied. "Very funny. At least I can see the Quaffle."

At this Katie turned from tomato to eggplant, her face an impressive violet color. "You're a pain in the arse, Wood, and I'm tired of listening to you." She turned to head upstairs again.

Oliver was still smiling, though. "Hey, hey Bell! I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my arse!"

At this the common room roared with laughter. Katie Bell turned around on the stairs, but she looked a bit amused now. "When was the last time you went to Hogsmeade? Zonko's is selling lives now-you should get one." And still, she began walking out of the common room.

"Do you have to leave so soon?" Oliver mocked. "I was about to poison the butterbeer!"

Eyes traveled from Wood to Katie to Wood again in this sort of showdown. It was the most entertainment the students at Hogwarts had seen all night.

"Oh, shut up, you'll never be the man your mother was," Katie said with a sneering smile.

"Oh, is that the best you can do? I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a better insult than that," Wood said idly.

And back and forth it went, from one to the other, like a never-ending tennis match.

"You're a prick," Katie says.

"Are we being honest with eachother?" Wood asks enthusiastically. "Because if so, you're probably the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on."

At this Katie blushed bright red, but she seemed to be stammering for a response. "Really?" she asked at last.

"Well, obviously I had to spill butterbeer on you for a reason," Oliver said easily. "Why don't we go for a walk around the grounds?"

And all of the Gryffindors in the common room watched, amused, as they saw Oliver Wood and Katie Bell leaving through the portrait, hand in hand.


	2. Chapter 2

**This was a lot more popular than I'd thought, and people are asking me to keep going with it... Please review or PM me if I should. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I just want to say thanks for everyone who reviewed that first chapter, added me to favorites, followed, etc. The fact that people read this and appreciated it means a lot to me. So... Thanks! Please review this chapter, too! Not sure how well it will be in comparison to the first, so give me some feedback. I also realize the first chapter was third-person, which I'm not used to writing in, but I'll give it another shot. If it doesn't work out, tell me and I can switch to first-person. I also realize I probably switch tenses a lot. I'm trying to keep them funny, so tell me if it's working.**

**2**.

"I need help," Oliver says, sitting down at the breakfast table the first morning after break.

"Obviously," snorts Percy, rolling his eyes. Oliver chooses to ignore him and looks to Parker and Rory. Maybe they could help him.

"I need help," he repeats, putting dramatic emphasis on the words.

"Hmm," Parker says, not looking up from the Daily Prophet, which she was reading. Oliver felt a flash of impatience at this, but again he says nothing.

"What with?" Rory asks at last, downing the rest of his pumpkin juice.

"Katie."

"Not again," Parker says with a sigh. "All I hear about is 'Katie this' and 'Katie that' now."

"That's not fair," Oliver protests defensively, but privately wondering if it was true.

"Hate to break it to you, mate, but it is," Rory responds placidly, his face unreadable as he smothers butter onto his toast. "She's what, two years younger than us?"

"So?"

"What do you need help with Katie for?" Parker asks, pausing as she flips the page of the paper to glare at me. "You two seemed to be getting along more than well a week ago. All you had to do was insult her and it was like you were both struck by Cupid."

"That's ridiculous," Percy says importantly. "Everyone knows Cupid doesn't really exist. There're only love potions, but a god of love would be outrageous."

"Nothing happened," Oliver says unblushingly, though he reflected that Parker's assessment seemed the most accurate. "We went for a walk and it's not like we kissed or anything like that. It was really cold, too, and the only thing I got was sick."

"'Oh no,'" Parker says, imitating him. "'I think there might actually be a girl who doesn't want to date the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain. Help me.' Give me a break."

Rory snorts but quickly changes it to a cough as the Bloody Baron floated by, looking to be in a foul mood. Oliver shrugs. "I like her. And rumor is she's dating that Hufflepuff git Diggory."

"Really?" Parker asks disbelievingly.

"Yeah."

"So what do I do?"

"If you want revenge on Cedric, I know just the people you should talk to," Rory says. Percy frowns and shakes his head.

"No," Oliver decides. "I'm not asking the Weasley twins for help. I'd never live it down. Besides, they charge a lot of money." Percy seems to be content with his answer, but Rory is not.

"Fine," Rory says, "but they're better at this than you are."

"No," I say, "I want to get her to like me."

"You're ridiculous. You can't get someone to like you unless they genuinely are interested in you," Parker snaps.

"Hey Parker," Oliver says.

"I'm all ears."

"You're a girl, right?"

"If I'm not, I should probably go to a doctor to see why I have, you know, female plumbing."

"What's a doctor?" Percy asks, looking revolted, echoing Oliver's thoughts.

"A doctor? They're Muggle Healers. Me mum is one," explains Rory.

"So Parker," I continue, "since you're a girl, you could tell me what girls like Katie like in a guy."

"No, I'm not going to tell you so you can make her like you," she says firmly, closing the issue of the Daily Prophet and standing. "And if you'll excuse me, I have to get to Runes." With that, she stands and heads out the Great Hall.

"You know," Rory says, "I'm sure if you just asked the Fred and George, they'll give you a fair price, you being Quidditch Captain and everything."

"Doubt it. Say, do you know anyone who has good dating advice?"

"Sure. The Weasley twins. George was selling some pamphlets in the common room one night. Said he and Fred had had them patented, too. They give a recipe for a basic love potion. Costs five Sickles, though."

"That's how much me mum's Christmas present cost," Oliver says glumly. He stares moodily down the table to where Katie Bell was talking with Leanne. "I suppose it's my best bet, though."

"Well," Rory continues, "go over and ask them for help."

"What if Katie finds out?"

"She probably will."

"That's reassuring."

"Well," he says, "you can bet that anything the Weasley twins give you will work, Oliver."

Later that evening in the common room Fred approached him. "Rory tells me you need help with Katie."

"Um, yeah."

"I've got love potions, books, pamphlets, and recipes."

"Which work the best?"

He frowns for a moment. "Depends. Do you want an actual relationship or physical bond?"

"I'm not a pervert."

"Really?" Fred raises an eyebrow and makes a disbelieving noise. "Fine. So you want an actual relationship with Katie? Then you should take a book or pamphlet."

"How much are the books?" Oliver asks impatiently. He wanted to get this unpleasant transaction over with.

"Depends again. I can order _Understanding Witches_ by Argus Acklemore, _Women for Dummies_-it's a Muggle book, but still very effective-, _How to Seduce Someone in a Week_-another Muggle book, bloody brilliant, by the way-, _Witches, Veela, and Hags_ by-"

"How much is the first one?"

"A Galleon."

"A whole Galleon?" Oliver exclaims.

"George and I've got to make money somehow."

"How much are the pamphlets?"

"Do you want a pamphlet for love potions, dating, snogging, engagement, hooking up, dances, marriage, shagging, h-"

"You have pamphlets on shagging?"

"Yeah, are you interested? I can sell you one for five Sickles, the sixth and seventh years seem to like them the best-"

"Bloody hell, I don't want one on that." Oliver scratches his neck uncertainly. "Do you have any on getting the girl to like you?"

"Yeah, Neville just bought one a few days ago, but we had to refund his purchase because he said it didn't work on Ginny."

"How much is it?"

"Six Sickles."

"You're selling guides on shagging for five, how come this one is more?"

"Because," he says, with an air of superiority that made Oliver feel like a student, "physical attraction is stupid. It's inside that counts." As if to punctuate the words, Fred gestures to his heart. "This is step one in the whole journey, Oliver, and if you want, you can buy the whole series for two Galleons."

"Give me the one for now, please."

"Okay," Fred says brightly, going through his bag. "Here it is." He handed Oliver a small, ten page book that read The Infectious Affection, with pink cherubs holding bows on the cover. As he stares at it, arrows are released from their bows and hit the T in "the."

"This is embarrassing, Fred."

"It's better than the shagging one. It has explicit images on the front. Someone got a boner just from looking at it."

"Thanks, I think."

"Pay up."

"Huh?"

"Six Sickles, my friend."

"Do I get a good deal for being Quidditch Captain?"

"Afraid not."

"I can kick you off the team."

"You won't," Fred says, grinning. "George and I are the best Beaters in Gryffindor, fancy finding others."

"Fine," Oliver sighs, grumbling under his breath as he searches his pockets for money. He paid and Fred hands him the book. Oliver sat down near the fire in his usual chair and was about to open it when-

"What are you reading?" interrupts Parker loudly from where she sat across from him with her Potions book.

"Nothing," Oliver says quickly, hoping the dim light from the fire hides his blush.

"You'd do good to start on the Herbology essay," she says severely.

"You could do the same."

"I already finished it, thank you very much, and the Potions essay on celadon cauldrons is due the day after tomorrow."

"I have better things to do than homework," Oliver says as insolently as he can muster, trying to push the book out of sight.

"Just because I'm a prefect doesn't mean I don't, either," she says coldly. "I just thought you should know that you'll fail the majority of your classes if you don't try to do anything." With that, she stood up and headed up the stairs to her dormitory.

At this point, Oliver was regretting not buying Understand Witches to figure out what his friend's problem was. He pulled the cherub-infested book out again and opened it. The first page was only one paragraph.

_Everyone faces difficulties in snagging the girl of their dreams. Oftentimes, she may not know you even exist, or is too wound up with her own relationships to pay mind. By turning the following page, you can learn how to get her to like you as much as you do her._

He turned the page and almost cursed aloud. It read:

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, CONTACT FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY, GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM, TO ORDER ARGUS ACKLEMORE'S NEW BOOK, UNDERSTANDING WITCHES.

He leaps from his seat, seeing George on the other side of the common room. "You ripped me off, George."

"I did no such thing, you could have looked through it before you paid for it. Besides, I'm not George, I'm Fred."

"George, I'm not playing. Give me my six Sickles back."

"Dammit, my name is Fred. Why the hell do people keep getting us mixed up? It's not like we're even related or anything."

"Fred, pay me back."

"I can't, it's against policy."

Oliver raises his fist threateningly.

"All right, I'm really George. You caught me."

"Pay up."

"I can't. It really is against policy. If you buy the book, we'll only charge twenty Sickles instead of a Galleon. The book works, too."

"Fine."

"It won't be here till Friday."

"I'll pay you then."

"All right," George says cheerily. "Good luck with Katie."

"I certainly need it," Oliver mutters under his breath, "with gits like you helping me."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, I really appreciate it! Please read and review, spread the word if anyone's looking for a Kallie fic, I'd really appreciate it! Thanks! Sorry it's been so long since an update!**

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><p>"So," George says, sitting down at breakfast on Friday morning next to Oliver, "I've got the book."<p>

"Good. Hand it over."

"Not so fast," he chides. "One Galleon."

"You told me I can get it for twenty Sickles or something like that."

"Policy's changing," George says easily. "We need to boost our annual income. We've got bills to pay, mouths to feed. Have some pity on your poor, mistreated blood traitor friends."

"George, I know for a fact you aren't spending any of this money on bills."

"Fine. Twenty-two Sickles."

"Twenty, or I'll write to your mother."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"Fine," he sighs. "Twenty."

Oliver digs around in his pocket for a moment. "Do you have change for a Galleon?"

"No."

"Seriously?" Oliver asks.

"I'm kidding, I'll give you change tonight. Here's the book." He hands me the book and swipes the Galleon from my fingers. "Fred would send his regards, but he's in the hospital wing."

"What's he in there for?"

"He and Lee were dueling over something, and they're both in the hospital wing. Lee's got an arm growing out of his belly button and one of Fred's eyes is the size of an apple."

"What kind of hex do you even use for that?" I ask curiously.

"We just yell the first thing that comes to mind," George says casually, but Oliver can't tell if he's joking or not. He moves to walk around the table to his seat.

"You shouldn't take advice from them," Percy says, sounding slightly affronted.

Oliver shrugs. "They're better at this kind of stuff than I am."

"Well, it's still not right," Percy says importantly. He turns away from me to talk to someone else farther along the table.

He looks at Parker and Rory imploringly. Parker sighs. "I'm sorry, Oliver, but Percy's right. You're funding a career their parents don't like."

"Because you and Molly Weasley are obviously great friends," Oliver says sarcastically.

"They actually are," George pipes up, sitting down beside Rory. Percy scowls. Parker blushes. George doesn't seem to take any notice. "Oh yeah, they're the best of friends. What was it you told her at King's Cross? That Fred and I were conspiring to murder Filch?"

Parker scowls. Oliver and Rory grin.

"Anyway," George continues, "What with the Chamber of Secrets being open, people being petrified left and right, Hogwarts might be getting shut down, I'd use that as soon as I could, Wood, if I were you."

"Hogwarts won't get shut down," Rory says confidently. "I mean, we could always just start a new wizarding school, right?"

"It doesn't work like that," Parker informs him. "My mum-she's a witch who lives in the States-wants me to go to some school in Salem. But Dad doesn't really understand what's wrong with here, being a Muggle and all."

"You can't go to Salem!" Percy protests. Oliver looks at him, faintly surprised. Percy goes on quickly, slightly pink in the face, "I mean, I overheard McGonagall say you're likely to get Head Girl!"

It seemed a bit odd to Oliver that Percy was so adamant about Parker staying, but he didn't say so. George smirked.

"Use that as soon as possible. Results are expected," George finishes to Oliver.

* * *

><p>Later that evening in the common room Oliver was reading the guide and juggling it between homework, this time very pleased that it was a full edition.<p>

_Chapter 1.  
>Getting Noticed<br>Help her with something. Volunteer, don't wait to be asked._

Oliver glanced up from his reading. Katie was furiously writing on parchment. Rory looked over at him, then to her, raising his eyebrow. Fred, whose eyes were now normally proportioned, flashed Oliver a thumbs-up. Parker sighed, clearly disapproving of his behavior, but set aside her book nonetheless to watch. Percy scowled. It seemed that half the Gryffindor common room was engaged in watching him try to woo Katie Bell.

"You know," Rory says, "you should do something."

"Really?" Oliver whispered back, his heart skipping a beat at the thought.

"Yes, you should."

"I don't know what to do," he hissed.

"Merlin Oliver, you've had girlfriends before, right?"

"Well, yeah, but we only talked about Quidditch. Well, I only talked about Quidditch."

"That's your problem!"

Percy's scowl deepened and George's grin expanded across his face as they listened.

"It's not a problem," Oliver retorts stubbornly.

"It's a major problem," Rory replies firmly.

"You're lying. All my dates have been Quidditch players anyway, you'd think they'd appreciate it."

"You're helpless," Parker chimes in for once.

Suddenly a loud ripping sound broke through the room, as Katie had tore her parchment by accident with her quill. Hopping up quickly, Oliver brandishes a new, slightly crinkled, piece of parchment from where he was attempting a Transfiguration essay.

"Here," he offers her.

"Um," she says, looking slightly confused and annoyed. "I already have some parchment, but thank you."

"I insist."

"No thank you, Wood."

"Seriously? I'm offering you paper and you're refusing?"

"Seriously, Wood, I've got to get this essay done for Flitwick. I don't have time for this." She sounded very annoyed now, but he was getting very irritated as well.

"I'll kick you off the Quidditch team if you don't," he countered, trying to control his anger. Was she so proud she wouldn't accept parchment from him?

"What is your deal?" she explodes. Everyone in the common room turns to gawk at us, and one of Katie's friends beside her scowls and buries her nose in a book. Parker frowns. Fred and George were doubled over, laughing. Several first years peered down the staircase at the furious pair.

"Take the bloody paper!"

"You're ridiculous, Wood." Sighing, Katie grabbed her things to leave, but Wood refused to budge.

"Take it," he said through gritted teeth.

Glaring up at him, Katie ripped the parchment from his hand and stalked, fuming, up the staircase to her dormitory. Oliver sat back down near Rory, who was still laughing. Even Parker and Percy looked amused.

"I don't think it was supposed to work like that, mate," Fred says sympathetically.

"The book said get noticed," Oliver says defensively.

"Yeah, about that," Fred continues, grinning, "you were following the instructions wrong."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: So I haven't updated this since summer, I think, and I'm very sorry for that. Please review.**

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><p>"No, no, no! You've got to fly faster than that if you want to dodge the Bludger!" Oliver yells in frustration.<p>

Katie scowls. "Make up your mind, why don't you?"

"Go faster!" he snaps.

Cursing under her breath, Katie Bell takes off much swifter than before. Oliver sits on his broom at the goal posts, waiting. "Fred, George, where's your defense?"

"I thought you were just going over the plays for the Chasers," George says.

"Why would I be doing that?" Oliver snaps.

Fred exchanges a gloomy look with George before hitting a Bludger halfheartedly in Angelina's direction.

Yes, Oliver is in a particularly bad mood today. The next match of the season is coming up soon, and Gryffindor needs to win it. _He _needs to win it. But with Chasers who care less than enough and Beaters who don't do anything but goof off, the chances of having a winning season were slimmer to none. The only person who's taking it as seriously as Oliver wanted is Harry.

"What was that?" Oliver shouts as Katie misses an easy pass from Alicia. "_What the hell was that?_"

"Take it easy, Oliver-" Fred tries to cut in, but Oliver ignores him.

"Ravenclaw's playing Hufflepuff next week, and by the state all of you are playing today, we'll never be able to beat either of them! Why don't you take it bloody serious and quit cutting up and get a grip! You're all a disgrace to Quidditch!"

The Gryffindor Quidditch team stared, jaws dangling open, as their captain stalked away and up to Hogwarts.

Later that evening, Parker, Percy, Rory, and Oliver sit in the Gryffindor common room, finishing the last of their Potions homework. Oliver is still in an acidic mood.

"You know," Parker says, in an annoying, matter-of-fact tone, "if you didn't practice them from dawn to dusk on their only free days, they'd probably be more likely to do what you want."

"What do you know about Quidditch?" Oliver snaps heatedly. "You don't know anything! _Nothing_!" He picks up his books from the table and stomps up the stairs to his dormitory. Everyone in the common room can hear the door slam behind him. Parker feels tears spring to her eyes, and she lowers her head to scribble furiously on her parchment. Percy glares up the staircase, as if he can see straight into the dormitory and do harm to his classmate.

"Git," George remarks loudly, a petulant expression on his face. For once he and Fred both look resentful and sullen. Alicia, Angelina, and Katie look to be in just as much of a foul mood.

"Hey," Rory says softly to Parker. "You know he didn't mean that."

She shrugs, still not meeting his eyes.

* * *

><p>As the week progresses, Oliver grows more and more restless in anticipation for the Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw match. The rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, however, didn't share his excitement. Alicia had even stopped attending practices in defiance to his behavior.<p>

On practice Friday evening, as the twilight began to settle out, Oliver met the team in the locker room to explain the importance of the match tomorrow. "Hufflepuff has a good defense and their Seeker is superb. Diggory has the current record this season in the shortest time to catch the Snitch. Fleet is an excellent Keeper. But their Beaters are lacking in any real strength, and Preece and Appleby are slow Chasers."

"Just like me, apparently," Katie mutters, just loud enough to be heard. Oliver tries to deflect the comment.

"Ravenclaw's team doesn't have as good of a defense as Hufflepuff. Chang is a decent Seeker, but not as good as Diggory or Harry. Their Beaters could easily overpower Hufflepuff's defense, or ours, for that matter-"

"Gee," Fred says loudly, not trying to hide the hostility in his voice. "Thanks, Wood."

Oliver coughed. He could feel his face reddening, and he knew that it would be best if he apologized for the way he behaved, but he couldn't will himself to do it. His pride was tight around his throat, and he didn't think he could make himself regret things. "We should hope that Hufflepuff wins, because our defense will easily overpower their Chasers." He became increasingly aware that he was rambling, but he couldn't stop himself. "And Harry can outpace Diggory, and Fred and George can definitely get to their Chasers-"

"Not that it matters," Alicia says angrily. "We're too slow to win, remember?"

Until then, Oliver hadn't realized the magnitude of his anger a week ago. He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry about the way I acted on Saturday. It was unjustified." He almost choked on the words and the bitter taste they left in his mouth.

"Hmm," Fred says, clearly unconvinced.

"And I didn't mean any of that about you guys being slow, or bad. I was in a really bad mood," he adds. _Because I can't figure out what it is about Katie. _"You're the best bloody team anyone could ask for."

"Well said, Wood," Harry says unexpectedly. Oliver felt surprised to have gained any of their support at all, but he welcomed it nonetheless. "Thanks, Harry," he says. Then the room went uncomfortably quiet again.

"I bet that brain of yours feels brand new," George says, "seeing that you've never used it before." For a heartbeat Oliver wasn't sure if he should be angry or not, but then George grinned. Fred followed suit, and soon all of the Gryffindor Quidditch team were laughing, and they weren't completely certain why. Oliver's ribs ached from laughing so hard, and he didn't understand. But then he reflected that it didn't matter.

The following morning, Rory, Oliver, and Parker treaded down the path to the Quidditch pitch, donning thick coats and scarves against the crisp January morning. Oliver stood in the Gryffindor section and cheered as the match progressed. Hufflepuff was down by twenty points, and the Gryffindors were encouraged, knowing that Ravenclaw would be easier to beat in the next match. And soon Hufflepuff was down fifty, sixty, seventy points.

A few rows in front of him, Oliver saw Katie cheering on the Hufflepuff team wholeheartedly. He was a bit baffled at first-didn't they want Ravenclaw to win? But then he was reminded, with a streak of jealously, of Katie and Diggory's relationship.

The weather grew more abrasive as ice began to fall, the match growing more and more miserable. One of Ravenclaw's Chasers was knocked out by a large chunk of sleet. Oliver sheltered underneath an umbrella with Rory, Percy, and Parker. Suddenly, Cho stooped into a dive and the stadium roared-she had seen the Snitch! But there, on her right, came Diggory! Oliver stood on his tiptoes to watch as both Seekers maneuvered their way through the stadium. Even the other players on the pitch ceased to move, watching. The spectators went silent, as if holding their breaths, listening as Lee Jordan's commentary echoed.

"Chang pulling in- No, Diggory- My God, this is close-"

And Cedric Diggory's gloved hand wrapped around the golden Snitch.

The pitch exploded with noise. Despite his own disappointment, Oliver was one of the factors of the clamor. Hundreds of students seemed to flood the pitch, surrounding the Hufflepuff team, lifting Diggory up to celebrate. And there, just in front of him, not a hundred yards, Katie Bell stood, her arms thrown around Diggory's neck as she kissed him.

Oliver didn't know it was possible to be so angry, but he was inconceivably furious.

He refused to speak another word the rest of the day.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I HAVE RETURNED!**

**Sorry for the hiatus.**

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><p>"So," Rory said at breakfast the next morning, "Diggory and Bell? Never thought I'd see that coming."<p>

"Neither did I," Oliver answered glumly.

"There might be something in the library for this," Percy said slowly. Oliver and Rory stopped eating to stare at him. Percy quickly backtracked. "I mean, there're books on everything in there."

"Damn," Rory muttered, shaking his head. "It's worse than we thought. Percy's never going to be kissed."

"Of course I've been kissed," Percy snapped, his face growing tomato red.

"Oh? By who?"

Oliver noticed that Parker had shifted her gaze from the conversation to her plate, her cheeks turning pink. He decided not to mention it, knowing that Rory would be intoxicated with glee at the notion of some bookish relationship going on between Percy and Parker.

Hotly, Percy responded, "It's none of your business!"

"Percy's never been kissed!" Rory exclaimed loudly with an impish look at Oliver. Several other students glanced over. It looked as if Percy wanted God to strike him down that instant. Rory rambled on, either not noticing or not caring. "Holy hell, do you believe it, Oliver? And to think I've already had my education in shagging!"

Parker coughed and stood. "I'll see you in Herbology," she said shortly.

"See you in Herbology," Rory replied offhandedly, his focus on Percy. "We really need to get you a girl now. What about that Mimsy Murray, from Charms?"

"Thanks, but I'm good," Percy said awkwardly.

"Are you gay?" Rory pressed. Before Percy could reply, he rushed on. "It's perfectly fine if you are, but if you're not I know a girl in Ravenclaw who has a thing for prefects, a real fetish for them actually-"

"I'm not gay! I just don't want a relationship right now! Merlin, are you done interrogating me?" Percy snapped, storming off.

"Did I say something?" Rory asked, baffled.

"A bit too much," Oliver said helpfully, downing his glass of pumpkin juice.

"I didn't think he'd get so defensive," Rory said, shaking his head. Oliver chose to say nothing, knowing how furious Parker and Percy would be if he voiced his suspicions. He wondered what Rory would do if he told him, and laughed to himself imagining his reaction.

"What? What's so funny?" Rory asked crossly. "Can't anyone talk right around here?"

"What's with you today?"

"Nothing," Rory said with a sigh. "I don't want to talk about it."

Oliver nodded, knowing full well how bad Rory is at keeping secrets.

"Well," Rory said grudgingly, "I guess I can tell you." Absently he Levitates his bowl of oats. "Mum's sick."

"Sick?"

"At St. Mungo's."

"With what?"

"Scrofungulus."

Oliver winced. His mother being a Healer, he knew just how bad the illness was. "I'm sorry, mate."

"It can't be too bad, can it?" Rory asked doubtfully. He looked much different than he had minutes earlier, teasing Percy.

"How long has she had it?"

"Yesterday was when she went to St. Mungo's," he said. "I got a letter."

"You should have said something," Oliver said.

"I told Parker. You were too busy."

Oliver wanted to flinch, but he kept his voice level. "Scrofungulus is curable, it just takes a while."

As they headed to class, Oliver replayed the conversation in his mind. Too busy? Too busy with Katie Bell to notice Rory was in trouble, that his mother was in the hospital? Rory had told Parker, but not him? As much as he doesn't want to admit it, but the fact stung.

* * *

><p>"We saw how Hufflepuff played," Oliver began. "We need to strengthen our defense. Today, Fred, George, and I will practice while you-" He gestured at Katie, Alicia, and Angelina- "run plays and try to get around us."<p>

"Sounds simple enough," Alicia commented.

"If it's 'simple', we're not playing our defense good enough," Oliver replied. "Tomorrow, Fred and George will practice offense with the Chasers."

"How long is practice tonight going to last?" Katie asked impatiently.

"Do you have somewhere else you need to be?" Oliver asked bluntly.

Katie rolled her eyes and muttered something to Alicia, who laughed.

"What was that?" Oliver snapped.

"I was just saying that you're acting like a real git," Katie answered coyly.

Oliver took a deep breath. Angelina frowned at Katie and Alicia. "Look," Oliver said, "I'm your captain. I don't think it's too much to ask for your respect."

Katie snorted. Oliver felt pain pulse through his temples. He was getting a headache. Before he could retort, Angelina said sharply, "Oliver's right. He's our captain, and the least we can do is listen to him. Maybe then we would win."

Katie and Alicia exchanged I-can't-believe-this looks before turning around and picking up their brooms. "Thanks," Oliver told Angelina as they began to ascend.

"They're getting on my nerves," she muttered back.

The practice went well for the most part, if it not being tense. He tried to ignore the looks Katie gave him. There is no worse feeling in the world than being hated by someone you like. He left practice quickly when the time was over and slipped back up to the commons room with the intentions of retiring to bed early. However, when he entered the dorm he found Rory reading a letter.

"Here," Rory said, shoving the parchment into his fist.

* * *

><p>Rory-<p>

Mum's not much better. The Healers are saying she'll have at least two more weeks in the hospital and possible months of recovery. Will contact you if any change.

Your sister,

Isador

* * *

><p>"It's better than it could be," Oliver offered at last.<p>

Rory shrugged. He looked very worried. Barely suppressing a sigh, Oliver said, "Why don't we go to the commons room? We can play wizarding chess." There was nothing more Oliver wanted to do than go to sleep, but the least he could do was try to help his friend.

"Fine," Rory said belatedly.

Downstairs, the first-years were playing Gobstones and the older students had snuck drinks in from Hogsmeade. It was Friday, and students of every age were celebrating the weekend. Oliver spotted Harry and several of his friends eating Chocolate Frogs. Many of Oliver's own classmates were playing spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven on the other side of the room.

"Blimey, Oliver, I don't believe it!" Rory exclaimed suddenly. He pointed over to the group. "Parker's over there!"

Oliver craned his neck. Sure enough, there she was. Her hair was down and her cheeks were flushed with laughter. He barely recognized her. He couldn't think of any other time he'd ever seen Parker in a social gathering, let alone enjoying one. Even more bizarre was the unfamiliar sixth-year boy beside her.

"Who is that?" Rory asked, incredulous, voicing Oliver's thoughts.

"No clue."

"Parker's got a boyfriend?"

"I don't think so…?" It was more of a question than a statement.

Oliver noticed one of the Twins-he wasn't sure which-snogging Katie's friend Leanne in one corner of the room. The only times he'd ever seen the common room so casual was after Quidditch matches, when ragers were thrown and Madame McGonagall typically had to jinx students back to their dorms.

They stood observing the spin-the-bottle game for several more moments until a boy across from Parker leaned over and kissed her. Rory raised an eyebrow. "What the bloody hell? I didn't know Parker did anything."

"Looks like she's doing him," Oliver commented, snickering.

"You should go talk to Katie," Rory said suddenly.

Katie looked incredibly bored and was playing chess with Leanne who, obviously, was preoccupied.

"She hates me," Oliver answered. "I'm over it anyway." Which was a lie. He could hardly forget Katie kissing Cedric.

"No you're not," Rory retorted. "Follow my lead."

"And that would be?"

"I'll get in a fight with Fred," Rory said, as if he were devising a plan off the top of his head. "You'll break it up, much to Leanne's relief. She'll thank you and then you're in with Katie."

"How many times has this worked for you, exactly?"

"Quit being self-righteous," Rory snapped. "It's annoying." He took the steps by twos until he was on the same level as Fred and Leanne.

"OI! Fred!"

Leanne and Fred paused their snogging for a heartbeat. "I'm George," he said, bewildered. "Fred's over there." he nodded to where Lee and the other twin were irritating their brother and Harry.

"Well, George," Rory said, not missing a beat, "are you going to face me like a man?"

"What?"

Rory swung a fist at him, connecting with George's nose. Leanne shrieked and George flew back. "What the hell?"

Everyone had went silent. Oliver saw Percy watching, frowning.

"Anteoculatia!" George shouted, and Rory's hair suddenly began morphing into elk antlers. Oliver winced.

"Avis!" Rory shouted back, and a flock of birds flew from the tip of his wand and attacked George's face. George threw his hand up at the last minute, salvaging his eyes as they pecked at him. With a quick wave of his wand the birds vanished.

"What's Rory doing?" Parker had suddenly appeared beside Oliver. She looked concerned, all notions of her boyfriend gone.

"Not sure," he said. He wasn't sure when to step in and end the duel. At the moment it seemed more comical than anything.

"Baubillious!" George shouted. A white flash shot from the tip of his wand and struck Rory, who fell, dazed. Fred clapped jovially. Rory stood up on uncertain feet, swaying momentarily. "Deprimo!"

George seemed to be squashed by the spell. He let out a small yelp of pain and fell, rubbing his knees as if they hurt. Oliver decided that this would be a good time to step in, and did so. "Knock it off, both of you!" Oliver snapped. "Or I'll have to suspend you from Quidditch!"

George shot Rory a hostile look. Rory winked at Oliver, satisfied, before slipping over to the game of spin-the-bottle.

"Sorry about that," Oliver told George. Leanne and Katie were helping him onto a sofa.

"Your friend is ballistic," George said flatly. For once he looked angry and serious.

"Yeah, I don't know what's going on," Oliver said vaguely. "His mum's ill, maybe he's just tense."

"I wish you hadn't broke it up," Katie said wryly. "It was the most interesting thing to happen today." Oliver wasn't sure if she was serious until he saw her smile.

"My bad," he answered. Katie laughed.

"I can't believe he did that," Leanne said. "I should go over and give him a piece of my mind."

"Are you sure you can spare it?" George teased. "It's fine, Leanne. Honestly." And then they were snogging again.

"See you later, Oliver," Katie said at last, shooting a glance at her friend lip-locked with the redhead.

Oliver wanted to talk to her, and tell her how he really felt: that he'd never gotten over her since that New Year's Eve party. But he watched her head up the stairs to her dorm, wondering why he'd ever been so stupid to antagonize her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

* * *

><p>The following day the Gryffindor students slept in, it being Saturday. Oliver stretched and yawned and headed down to breakfast in the Great Hall. Parker was one of the only students there after the night of partying, nose-deep in a book.<p>

"How are you?" she greeted. She looked tired.

"Fine. At least, better than Rory."

"Yes, what the hell was his problem?"

"I don't know," Oliver lied, his voice listless. "George probably cheated him on something."

"I wouldn't be surprised," Parker commented wryly. "Seems like just the thing he'd do."

Oliver had to bite his tongue not to retort. He knew Parker disliked the Twins for their penchant for causing trouble. It bothered him, though, because he knew how loyal the Twins were. He thought of the pair as his own brothers.

"You looked busy last night," Oliver said accusingly.

Parker didn't even look up from her studies. "I was quite busy, thank you, until Rory had to cause trouble. Half the House hates him now, you know."

"I doubt that."

"Oliver, Fred and George are very popular-for whatever reason I can't understand. But Rory going demented certainly isn't going to get you in Katie Bell's books."

"You looked really busy," Oliver said, deciding not to comment on her blows at Rory and the Twins. He had no idea what had put her in a bad mood. "Busy with that boy, I mean."

"Hmm."

"Are you even listening?"

"What?" For the first time she glanced up.

"Who was that boy you were sucking face with?" Oliver demanded impatiently. It was unlike Parker to hide things from him, as they were close friends. He understood why she wouldn't tell Rory things, of course, but he and Parker told each other everything.

"Oh," she said, and for the first time she blushed. "Yeah. He's a sixth year."

"When did you meet him?"

"He's a prefect," she said.

"I don't like him."

"You're not my brother," she said crossly.

"I might as well be," Oliver retorted.

She scowled. He grinned in return.

"He's fine, honest," she said, exasperated. "Merlin, you'd think I couldn't do anything around here. He's a prefect. He takes all advanced courses."

"He's older."

"He's a prefect," Parker repeated, now sounding very annoyed.

Before Oliver could come up with another reason Parker shouldn't kiss anyone, prefect or not , Fred and George sat down across from them.

"Hullo, Oliver, Parker," Fred said. "Quidditch practice today?"

"We'll take today off," he decided. He noticed George was sporting a swollen purple jaw and winced.

"It looks worse than it actually is," George explained. "I just don't know what to tell McGonagall, she's certain to ask me."

"It was a bludger," Fred suggested.

Parker's nostrils flared. "You could say the truth."

"I don't think that's a great idea, Park. Can you imagine what she'd do if she found out the whole House was half drunk?"

"She'd blow a gasket," Fred agreed.

"Completely go haywire."

"Probably skin us alive."

Parker rolled her eyes. George went on. "So you were snogging Abbott last night?"

"Does everyone want to know the details of my life?" she said evasively, her voice sharp. "I have to go to the library."

"To snog Abbott, more like it," Fred snickered. She shot them all a dirty look before disappearing down the hall. As soon as she was out of earshot, Oliver leaned forward. "Abbott, eh? Is that his name?"

"Yes," Fred said, wrinkling his nose.

"He's a prat," George added.

"He gave us detentions because we were talking too loud in the commons room," Fred put in bitterly.

"He's just like Percy," George went on. "Which is probably why we hate him. Say-do you think Parker would ever date Perce?"

"Doubt it," Fred sniggered. "She'd never say yes."

Oliver stayed silent. He wasn't about to betray his friend by mocking him with his brothers, nor would he reveal the tension he sensed at breakfast concerning Percy and Parker. He and the Twins ate quickly before heading down the hall to the library. The Twins needed some book about Transfiguring objects and Oliver was keen on spying on Parker and this Abbott character.

"Bloody hell, I think this is the first time I've ever been in the library," George commented.

Fred browsed the titles, yanking them down willy-nilly and tossing them aside, receiving sharp looks from Madam Pince. "God, this is boring as hell," he said loudly. "How d'you think Percy does it?"

Oliver concentrated on blocking them out and slipping between the shelves until he could peek between the old leather volumes to where Parker and the boy from the party sat side by side at a table. They were giggling over some book and he pointed at something on the page, and Parker laughed loudly. Oliver scowled and tried to squeeze closer to watching.

"...know," he could hear Abbott say, "you'll never know unless you try it."

Oliver furrowed his brows at this.

"I know," Parker said clearly, "but there's still the fact of…" Her voice grew muffled. They were no longer giggling, though Abbott's eyes sort of twinkled. Parker's voice was higher-pitched than Oliver could remember, and her cheeks were blushed.

"Well, that's ridiculous," he said teasingly.

"No, it's not!" she said defensively, but she was smiling. Pity. Oliver almost wished they were arguing over something real.

"Well then, you're ridiculous, Parker Beckham." Through the bookcase he saw them kiss, and almost gagged. Maybe he was wrong about Parker and Percy.

"So what do you want to do later?" he asked when they had broken apart.

"A little of this," Parker said, and Oliver noticed she was holding his hand at this point- "a little of that."

Oliver didn't fancy listening to their veiled comments about sex much longer, but just when he was about to turn around he ran quite literally into a third year Ravenclaw student who was pulling a book off of a tall shelf. He hit his nose off the thick hardback and barely suppressed muttering a curse. Eyes tearing up and nose dripping blood, he stepped away from the shelf and clumsily blundered away. "Are you okay?" the Ravenclaw girl asked concernedly, but Oliver didn't reply. He could hear Parker ask Abbott, "Did you hear that?"

When he found Fred and George flipping through textbooks, shooting paper wads at each other. "What happened to you?" Fred asked.

"I hit my head on a book," he answered vaguely, pinching his nostrils to stop the stem of blood.

"I always said books were dangerous," George said seriously.

"That's why we never read," Fred chipped in.

"We barely know the alphabet," George agreed.

Oliver ignored them. He would have a headache the rest of the day, for sure. Glancing around the library, he noticed Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet studying in one corner and quietly whispering. He was tempted to go talk to them when the door to the library blew open and Cedric Diggory strolled in.

Swallowing a sigh, he turned to the Twins. "I think we might have a practice today after all."

"When?" Fred asked.

"The pitch's open at five."

"It'll be dark then," interjected George.

"So what?"

"You already told everyone we would take today off," Fred pointed out. "You sure you're okay, Oliver?"

"I'm fine." Not really. He was here, pining after Katie Bell, when even Parker had a date. He stood and bid them farewell, and quickly retired to the commons room.

Rory was pouring over a piece of parchment in the commons room, pure concentration wiped across his face. He glanced up at Oliver and quickly returned to what he was writing, saying nothing. I'm glad. The place was empty apart from them, and Oliver sat in my misery. Singleness. Was it normal to be so angry about something like that at his age?

He was mad at himself more than anything, and it had taken seeing Parker and Abbott to show him that. It was Katie, always Katie.

"What are you doing?" Oliver questioned Rory. He hated that he sounded so uninterested.

"Writing Isador."

Isador was Rory's older sister, a dragonologist in Romania, who'd returned when their mother fell ill.

"Hmm."

"She said Mum wants to settle her will."

It must be bad, Oliver thought, imagining the pain the family must be going through now. Groping for words, all Oliver managed to say was, "I'm sure she'll get better."

"Yeah," Rory said quietly.

There was little to say and Oliver was left brewing in his frustration. "I saw Parker and Abbott," he said.

"Oliver, would you give that rubbage a rest?" Rory snapped, looking up. "I don't care what Parker does. I don't care about any of that, actually, and it would do me a favor if you'd shut up for once."

Oliver recoiled. "Fine," he snapped, gathering his things and heading back up to the dorm. He didn't speak a word the rest of the day to Rory, and he slept fitfully, knowing full well why Rory was so on edge but burying his guilt inside with his own vexation.

Maybe it would be fine. Maybe Rory's mother would be fine, and maybe Katie would dump Diggory, and maybe Parker and Percy would get together. Maybe this was all just a phase.

Oliver scowled at the ceiling until he finally fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

* * *

><p>Oliver ignored Rory when he woke up and headed downstairs to eat with Parker. She was reading as she ate and glanced up at Oliver as he sat. "Good morning," she greeted.<p>

"'Morning," he grunted.

"Where's Rory?"

"How should I know?" he retorted, irritable.

She raised her hands in surrender. "Is something the matter?"

"Nothing's wrong," he said shortly.

She frowned. "Right. How are things with Katie?"

"Never mind that. You know," he continued, eating quickly, "I don't like that boyfriend of yours."

Her face flushed with anger. "On what grounds?" she snapped hotly.

"Well I think I'd have to say Hogwarts's grounds, wouldn't I? That is where we are."

"You don't have any right in butting in on my relationships, Oliver!" she hissed.

"Well, from what Fred and George say, you shouldn't be dating him, and since I'm your friend I have an obligation to say so."

"What-what _Fred and George_ say?" She laughed shrilly. "I don't care, Oliver, and if you knew anything you wouldn't, either! Now if you would please drop the subject, I would appreciate it!" She was red in the face, her freckles sticking out starkly. Oliver couldn't remember seeing her this angry before.

"What was that?" Fred asked, sitting down beside Oliver. George sat on his other side.

Parker shot him a glare before returning to Oliver. "I'm worried about Rory," she said quietly. "His mother's doing bad."

"So?"

"So you should be prepared if bad comes to worst," she says in an irritating matter-of-fact tone that makes Oliver want to rip his hair out. It was as if she knew what was best for everyone.

"I think it'll be fine," he answers coolly, more in reply to her tone than the words she spoke. In reality he was feeling a nervous dread at the thought of Rory's mother dying.

"Have you heard anything new about the Chamber of Secrets?" she asks, her voice low.

"No, why?" Fred asked.

She met Oliver's eyes, briefly annoyed, before continuing in a hushed voice. "Another student was petrified," she whispered.

"What?"

"I heard about it from Greg-"

"Who's Greg?" Oliver interrupts.

"Abbott," George answers helpfully.

"Anyway-" At this Parker fixed him with a hawkish glare- "Greg told me that a first year was found last night. Colin Creevey."

"I know him," George says suddenly. "Batty little chap, always carrying a camera?"

"The bloke who's always bugging Harry, isn't it?" Fred chips in.

"Pity," George laments.

"Hogwarts will close if these keeps going on," Parker says softly. She brushes a strand of hair out of her eyes. "Percy will tell you otherwise, but you know how he is-" She broke off. "Speaking of the devil…"

Percy sat down between Fred and Oliver. "'Morning," he said cheerfully. "I don't suppose you could pass me the muffins?"

Oliver complied. "So what do you think about the Chamber of Secrets?" he asked as he ate.

"What about it?" Percy asked blankly.

"Do you think the school will get shut down?"

"Maybe temporarily." He didn't sound very concerned. Oliver frowned. What was going on with all of his friends? Parker was acting rudely, Rory was being a prat, and now Percy being low-key for once?

"I've got to go," Parker said shortly, standing.

The Twins paid no attention, but Oliver thought he saw Percy's jaw clench momentarily. Then he relaxed and turned to Oliver. "Have you got the essay done for Alchemy?"

"I haven't even started it."

"That's a problem, Oliver," Percy says very seriously.

"Oh, you're full of it, Perce."

"If you're going to take N.E.W.T. Alchemy, then you should study," he retorted. "The essay was on the probability of a universal elixir-I suppose it'll be easy, given Harry, Ron, and Hermione's experience with Quirrell-anyway, only eight inches of parchment. You do know Vector will cut the class out if not enough of us pass the O.W.L.s and I would really like to take it-"

"I get it," Oliver snapped crossly. He lowered his voice. "D'you know how Rory's doing?"

"He said he was leaving to visit his mum."

Oliver gaped at him for a heartbeat, uncertain how to respond, before turning sharply away. "Is he going now?" he demanded, standing and downing the remainder of his pumpkin juice. "Percy, did he sat when he's leaving?"

"No. I assume today."

Oliver nodded. To Fred and George he added, "Let's move Quidditch practice to this afternoon."

"Fine by me," George replied. "It's freezing out." Indeed, the ceiling shone white and outside the window Oliver saw nothing but snow billowing around. Barely suppressing a sigh, Oliver turned and headed up the stairs again to Gryffindor tower. He was going so fast he tripped in front of a pair of giggling second-years. When at last he made it to the portrait of the Fat Lady, he was huffing for breath. "Caput draconis!"

"The password's been changed, darling," the Fat Lady answered, rather sympathetically for once.

"Bollocks!" he exploded. "Are you- _Are you shitting me?_"

"That's no way to talk to a lady!" she cried, her rapport gone.

"It's an emergency!"

"Password?"

Seething at this point, he wanted little more than to shake her into understanding-apart from the fact that she was clearly a portrait. He racked his mind for the password, but before he could say a word the portrait-hole swung open, and seeing his chance, he ran for it, colliding with Katie Bell.

"What are you doing?" the Fat Lady shrieked.

"What are you doing?" Katie snapped.

He hardly registered her. "I need through! Where's Rory?"

"Haven't seen him. Are we having practice today…?"

Oliver was already racing through the commons room and up to the dormitories. Flinging open the door, he barged in. "Rory!" There was no word he could think of to describe his feeling, except for fear and desperation that his best friend's mother was on her deathbed. "Rory!"

There was no reply. Rory's section of the room was a sloppy wreck: the drawers hanging open with clothes on the floor, the bed drapings fallen, clothes scattered haphazardly across the bed. The trunk had disappeared.

Rory was gone.


End file.
